Almost flashed that route!

Well, I almost flashed that yellow route on the auto-belay at the climbing gym this morning, but stopped, inexplicably, about a fourth of the way short of sending it.  Then, of course, I was mad at myself.  I stood there, looking up at it, still attached to the auto-belay, only the slightest bit pumped, not out of breath, and with only my fingers needing assistance in being straightened from their gripping positions.  I stood there, disappointed.  I could’ve had that flash send!  What on earth made me let go?  There was a big move that I was looking at having to do, but not the biggest move I’ve ever pulled off, and it wasn’t a hard move.  It did turn out to be my one and only attempt at any route or problem today, though.  I fell into a depression and got lost in my head, thinking, when I sat down to rest after releasing myself from the auto-belay, and didn’t get back on the wall.  I sat there, thinking of how exactly to go about making that move with my back to the wall.  I didn’t even want to look at it.  Yesterday I was on top of the world (and the wall)!  Today, I’m moping about, trying to figure out where I left my grit, my fire, and my spine…

I thought about calling my doctor for a coaching moment.  He’d want me to do something about the problem.  What was there to do?  I let go five moves from the top of the route and am depressed, disappointed, and angry about it.  All of these feelings are directed at myself.  What do you DO about that?  I guess that’s what I need the Doc to help me with.  Maybe I should call him. This would be the time to call for a coaching moment.  When I don’t know what to DO to solve a problem.  I personally think I need to get back on a higher dose of my antidepressant again, but that’s just me.  I don’t know for sure, but since I cut back to half the dose I was on, I just haven’t been able to get out of this funk.  I don’t know whether this is a medication issue or not.  I just don’t feel like doing anything and I’ve been isolating, sleeping, and staring at the wall a lot with nothing but hopeless, negative thoughts running through my head, such as, “Why do I do this?” and “Why do I do that?” in that what’s-the-point sort of context.  I think I’m going to call the Doc now…

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