My days seem so busy lately

Yes, my days seem so busy lately…but not.  I’m climbing again, which takes time (time I don’t mind spending on my lifeblood!), and I do that first thing in the morning when the climbing gym opens to members for alpine start at 0600 hrs.  That means that I have to get up before that.  What time do I get up?  Between 0300 hrs and 0400 hrs every morning, if I can sleep.  Last night, a miracle happened.  I slept for nine, almost ten hours!  Yes, I woke up from a nightmare, but I was so tired that I actually slept!  Normally, I only get 3-5 hours of quality sleep.  My sleep is a major issue in my life, but everybody’s got issues.  Sleep is a big one for your health, both mental and physical, though.  I hope to get it straightened out one day.  I sleep with a BiPAP (it’s counterpart is a CPAP) because I have both hypopnea and sleep apnea.  Long story short, I always snore and sometimes I stop breathing in my sleep.  I’ve heard from past roommates in the inpatient psych ward that it is very disconcerting to them when I stop breathing in my sleep.  They lie awake all night wondering if I’m going to die.  That’s what I’ve been told by my roommates, at least.  I feel bad for them because my poor sleep causes poor sleep for them!  I reassure them that I won’t die, but they never believe me…

Anyway, busy days.  I’ve been trying to catch up and keep up with life at large and I find it difficult to do.  There are so many things that I want to do, but I’m really struggling with the PTSD and depression right now, which makes even putting my socks on an overwhelming task.  And if the socks don’t get put on, the shoes don’t get put on, I don’t go outside, I don’t get in my truck, I don’t drive where I need to go, I don’t get done what needs done, and there you have it.  Busy, but not so busy.  More like busy trying to stave off insanity while staring at my socks (which I’m almost positive are staring back at me)!  PTSD with anxiety and depression is overwhelming.  Everything about it is overwhelming.  IF I can get to the climbing gym and get my climbing shoes on, chalk up, and get on the wall, a whole new world opens up for me – one of infinite possibilities and comforting solace.  It focuses my senses on the moment I’m in and the task at hand, as well as giving me a physical, motor skills outlet to work with.  Climbing combats these demons of mine and keeps me from making things worse in one way or another.  I’ve made it my goal this week to re-establish my daily climbing routine.  That means that climbing takes priority because my mental health takes priority.  It has to.  If it doesn’t, then nothingness and disaster will take over and I will be no more!

Re-establishing my climbing routine means a lot of other things aren’t getting done right now because my re-establishment of my distress tolerance skills takes time and energy (and early mornings, meaning early bedtimes).  Early to bed, early to rise.  That was a saying way back when.  I don’t know if it still is, but it should be if it’s not!  So here’s the deal.  I’m experimenting with different bedtimes.  The later I take my sleep meds and go to bed, the worse I sleep and the earlier I wake up.  The earlier I take my sleep meds and go to bed, the better I sleep and I wake up around the time I need to in order to start my day based on the routines I’m trying to re-establish.  Now, I still have nightmares, and still wake up, but I find that the earlier bedtime gives me more sleep before I wake up from nightmares the first time during the night.  The first time I wake up from nightmares is earlier, but it’s not as hard to go back to sleep after I have the first ones, either.  It’s really kind of odd, and I’m going to run it by the Doc because it’s a strange kind of thing.  It’s a pattern, though, and I’m finding that it’s consistent.

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