Continuing the insider’s view on med changes

Today, I feel feverish and all-around cruddy.  I have a headache and have spent fully half the day (but not the whole day, in contrast to yesterday) in the bunker.  I did go for a short walk with my mom at 0500 hrs even though I felt like my body was going to collapse in a heap in the middle of the rural road we were walking on.  My mom gave me a tow and, arm-in-arm, we walked a whole four blocks.  That was it for me.  That’s all I could accomplish this morning.  I hardly ate anything for breakfast, as I have no appetite.  Lunch was the same.  I ate because I needed to, not because I wanted to or felt like it.  My physical state today is a big fat goose egg on the scale of feeling good or even human.

Mentally, though, it’s a different story.  I want to go do things.  My body is just rejecting the idea of doing anything.  I want to go climbing.  I want to go take some photographs, which I might force my body to comply with in a bit if I get enough hydration done in the next half hour or so.  I’m clearer-headed and more focused.  The down side?  My emotions are stronger.  The latitude on the emotional scale that my doctor wants to see is starting to show up and it scares me.  My emotions can be dangerous, especially rage.  PTSD carries with it a lot of rage, and mine is no exception.  I’m able to laugh at some things more easily today, but I also get more agitated and angrier at other things.  It’s a double-edged sword, and it’s dangerous.  I know this about myself, and I don’t like it.  The latitude must be cut off at some point as to avoid the emotional extremes that I know my brain is capable of.  I hope the Doc understands that and believes me on that point.  I trust him, but I need him to take my word for that.  If he saw what the emotional extremes looked like, he’d wish he hadn’t.  I don’t want to go there.  I don’t want him to see me that way.  I respect him, and he respects me.  I want to preserve that in our therapeutic relationship.  Am I scared of what he might think if he sees the extremes?  YES.  Am I scared of the extremes myself?  YES.  I never want to go there again.  I just hope the Doc understands that.

Speaking of the Doc, I’m waiting for him to call.  I called earlier and he wasn’t in the office yet.  He had instructed me to call this afternoon, as we’re doing this day-by-day.  I hope he calls soon because I want to talk to him about the extremes and the latitude on the emotional scale that we’re going to allow.  My doctor is a great doctor in many respects, but especially in trying to work with his patients and come to an agreement with them about their treatment instead of ordering them against their will, fighting tooth and nail, to do things that they don’t agree with.  The Doc is definitely the right doctor for me.  Like I said, I just hope he calls soon.  Updates pending…

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