I keep thinking that maybe it’s me. It must be me. Isn’t that how it works? I mean, it has to be me, doesn’t it? This morning I’m thinking something different, though. Why be so selfish? Maybe it’s them…
When things don’t go right, I tend to blame myself. I get upset at myself, thinking myself a fool, and berating myself for being that fool. Who exactly wrote this manual on life, though? Evidently, they forgot to leave a copy of the manual on my doorstep. I don’t know who to contact to get a replacement, either! It seems that no matter what I do, it’s wrong. I should’ve done this, but if I would’ve done that, that would’ve been wrong, too. Catch-22 is the phrase to use, I believe. There are more profane ways to state that concept, but I try to keep this blog a friendly one.
I’ve noticed that it depends on who you ask, too, when issues such as these come up. Those issues which are debatable always seem to draw every nonessential opinion in triplicate. The funny part is that I didn’t ask for anyone’s opinion most of the time. I do what I think is right or appropriate at the moment. In hindsight, everyone can see their mistakes plainly, but that doesn’t help at the moment of decision in the present. It’s easy to criticize another person for their actions, but no one really stops to think what it would be like to be in that situation — to really be in that situation.
Sometimes, I think that maybe it could be my medication. Well, of course it’s my medication! Without my medication, I would surely make foolish decisions. There is a reason, and a good one, that I’m on medication. So, to those who would judge me for making a decision while on medication, I say, “You have no idea what you’re talking about.” Even doctors, on occasion, have questioned my medications in relation to my ability to make decisions. Once in a while, it is good to review a person’s medications, but it’s hardly the time to do so when the patient so desperately needs confirmation of their independence in decision-making and other matters of free will. Doctors who question this should stop to think how much time they themselves actually spend listening to their own patients. Oftentimes, the result is a feeling of embarrassment…
Spouses, friends, and family all think they know you and interject what they think you should say, think, and do. All of a sudden, you find yourself (or at least, I do) in the middle of a boundary war. I tried to salvage my boundaries and redraw my lines in the sand, but to no avail — not that it matters so much anymore. Subtle changes occur in thinking, and before you know it, it was really you who came up with the idea. At least everyone agrees that way.
One thing that I have learned from being in the military and in emergency situations is that you never know how anyone is going to react or what decisions they’re going to make until that person is in the thick of it. There is no way to predict anyone’s reactions to these circumstances. Intense training and repetitive protocols under simulated circumstances may help, but you never really know what decisions you’ll make until it actually happens to you.
In conclusion, I would like to say that I am in control of my own decision-making processes. That would make me more comfortable. The thought haunts me, though… Maybe it’s them.