Conflict can be raised over an endless host of topics in our lives, and for me, conflict makes it hard to concentrate. For example, I am trying to write this blog post and I have so much troubling my mind that I can hardly finish this sentence properly. It is as if there were a squirrel randomly popping up all over the place in my thoughts and it distracts me from finish–squirrel! See what I mean? Conflict makes–squirrel!–it diffi–squirrel!–cult to do–squirrel!–anything!
I struggle with a lot in my life. I have a rough time fighting to manage PTSD with anxiety and depression, figuring out what my relationship status is with peeople who will not or cannot communicate with me about things, religion vs. faith and what exactly faith is and is not, and other such life situations that are passed my way. All of these cause conflict and disorganization in my life. One can plainly see the disorganization in my life if they walk into my apartment. There are piles of boxes, papers, books, clothes, and all kinds of other things everywhere! Oh, yes, there are piles of climbing gear, too; do not worry about that! I really try to keep it somewhat under control, but life gets out-of-hand for me oftentimes. There is a good reason why I see my psychiatrist twice a week for medication management and therapy. I also end up needing to call him for coaching moments. I try not to bother the man too much, but I am certain that he would rather answer his phone and have it be me presenting a problem to be fixed instead of answering a phone call from someone who has to tell him I have gone and made things worse, and ultimately so, by committing suicide. My doctor is a great psychiatrist and a fantastic human being. I hope he reads this someday, or at least knows that I appreciate him for the compassion he has for his patients.
My doctor told me this afternoon, “Rule #1 is don’t make it worse by doing something… tragic.” I promised him I would not do anything of the sort. I am coming within six weeks of a record of not having been in the inpatient psych ward for three years. Mid-November is the goal. If I can stay out of the psych ward beyond the end of November, then I will have made it three years without being in the psych ward! I know that is not your standard goal, but it is a goal of mine because it means that I am improving in my ability to manage my PTSD and the crises that come with it. I am doing everything I can to make that goal a reality! Squirrel!