I’d forgotten what it’s like to be alone…

No grunts.  No groans.  No tossing.  No turning.  No snoring.  No breathing next to you.  No stirring.  No late night trips to the bathroom unless they’re your own.  Stray pillows with no head lying on them, adjusting them until they’re perfect…  Alarm goes off.  Nobody telling you in a sleepily annoyed tone that it’s going off because you already got up three hours earlier and forgot to turn it off so that it didn’t sound.  Sitting at the table typing on the computer, creating a blog post about being alone…alone.  Nobody’s going to ask you what you’re doing today.  Nobody’s going to tell you what they’re doing today.  Or tomorrow.  Or next week so you can remind them…  Use any towel you want – they’re all yours.  Don’t worry if there’s enough body wash or not.  You’re the only one who uses it now.  No laughing, unless you’re laughing at yourself, or the situation, or out loud for no one to hear.  Remember to shut the window because you’re the only one there to do it.  Lock the door behind you – there’s nobody to hold it open for…  You’ll have to remember to police up your dirty clothes later.  Later.  You don’t feel like doing it right this minute.  No phone calls or texts, so you can shut off your cell phone.  Save the battery in case you need to call the Doc.  Crisis.  “Never again,” you said.  You can’t predict the future, and that’s a sharp point on the jagged spearhead that’s stabbing you through the heart right now.  One breath at a time…one breath at a time…just go climbing with your friends.  You have friends.  Real friends who go out of their way for you.  People like you.  Your doctor even said so yesterday when you saw him.  “You used your resources.  I think that’s a huge accomplishment!  I’m glad to see you’re taking care of yourself.”  One breath at a time…  Shake out.  Breathe.  Okay.  Shake out the other arm.  Deep breaths.  Control your breathing.  Keep going.  Don’t give up!  Come on.  Next hold.  You can do this.  You can finish this route.  Breathe.  Shake out.  Rest.  Chalk up.  Other arm.  Don’t forget to breathe.  Okay.  Come on.  Finish it!  Finish it.  Okay, now let go…

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