I might go climbing today…

If I’m able, meaning if I feel well enough after having been physically ill for the last three days, I might go climbing today.  It won’t be anything spectacular, or maybe it will?  Who knows!  I woke up and felt awful, but now that I’ve been up for a few hours, I don’t feel as bad.  I’ve also watched some really good YouTube videos that have me psyched to go climbing right now!  I woke up from a dream this morning when my alarm went off that led to some condemning thoughts about myself by none other than yours truly.  That’s why I stayed up, otherwise I would’ve slept in.  In this dream, myself and an advisor whom I really needed to believe in me and help me along my path to becoming what I thought I really wanted to be in life (which she didn’t) were in this experimental hospital lab together and she was running tests on me and we were laughing together because I already knew what to expect from the tests due to all the medical treatments, ECT in particular, that I have experienced.  She thought I was quite remarkable from these experiences and the results they were producing.  I awoke to the alarm clock about that time.  I headed to the bathroom and while I was in there, this cascade of negative thoughts descended upon me like an avalanche.  The very people – she and others in my life – whom I had really needed to believe in me to help me to succeed in becoming a doctor – either never did, gave up on me at some point, or openly told me I shouldn’t even try.  Then I had another thought.  If all that were changed, and all those people had believed in me and helped me along and gotten behind me on becoming a doctor…then I wouldn’t have climbing in my life.  I actually ended up being grateful to those people for not believing in me and not helping me toward that goal of becoming a doctor because I’ve actually found who I’m meant to be and am continuing to find myself because of their doubt and lack of support!  If I ever see them, I can happily thank them for not believing in me.  So, by the time I washed my hands and dried them on the towel in the bathroom, I was in a good mood because I was thinking about how fantastic it is and how fortunate I am to have climbing in my life!!!  I’m a rock climber!!!  That’s what I am!!!  A rock climber and a blogger!!!  So I got on Facebook and replied to all of my friends who have been encouraging me and offering me help with the Depression over the last few days, thanking them for their friendship and telling them that I do truly hope that I get to climb with every one of them someday!  I then commenced watching a few YouTube videos – very good ones – that got me super psyched to climb!  Today, if I feel well enough, I’m kicking the Black Dog to the curb and going climbing!  So long as my physical being will allow it, the entirety of my being will be climbing at some point today!!!  I’m so psyched!!!

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