A down day (not a rest day)

PTSD and Depression.  What a combination.  So, I wasn’t able to climb for a month, which took away my main passion in and for life, and I fell into a clinical Major Depressive Episode.  On top of that, stress built up from the PTSD and that got triggered a few days ago, sending me into a full-speed dive into the dirt.  I was able to climb a couple of days this past week, which helped some and got me temporarily patched-up, but the decompensation (ie. crash-and-burn destruction) in my mental processing was still bleeding out.  I saw my doctor yesterday and, since I was hearing voices, he doubled my antipsychotic and adjusted another medication – all temporary – so we can get some damage control going, along with some extra sleep.  It’s snowing today, which isn’t brightening my day because I’m tired of the snow.  I’m even more tired of the cold.  I’m cold, and that’s miserable.  I hate being cold!!!  So, I’m having a rough time.  Since we adjusted multiple psychotropic medications, I don’t feel that it would be safe to drive, and I don’t think it would be a good idea to climb, either, even though I really want to (that’s an improvement!).  The stresses in my life aren’t going away and I need to climb.  I really do.  I need a nice, long climbing session in my own little world.  I could visualize myself climbing, I guess.  I want people to leave me alone and let me have my climbing routine without me having to justify it to people and have people disregard it as useless and selfish.  CLIMBING IS LEGITIMATE!!!  I’m tired of being discounted because I climb instead of working an 80-hour-a-week job!!!  I’m a fully disabled Veteran of the United States military!!!  As my doctor reminded me yesterday, “Climbing does offer you some relief.”  I wish other people could quit judging me and just let me do what I need to do to be happy.  CLIMBING MAKES ME HAPPY!!!  Everybody wants to just schedule themselves into my life and not leave any room for me.  Well, I’m legitimate, too, and my time should be mine to spend the way I choose to spend it!!!  I AM NOT A WORTHLESS PERSON!!!  I should warn you, this is a really rough day.  I won’t rant further.  I’m going to go take a nap.  Maybe that’ll help…

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