Frozen by anxiety

Today has been a hard day. I am trapped in a vicious cycle of remembering things I regret and then feeling anxiety about further messing things up, then regretting regretting things that I can’t change because it’s wasted that much more time that I could’ve spent doing something besides being stressed to the max by worrying! If I measured my brain waves right now, they’d be a disaster! My husband finally asked me early this afternoon if I was going climbing today. I got my climbing gear together and took it out to my truck with me. I sat in my truck and let it warm up for 20 minutes, worrying the whole time. I have a bit of a headache today and am chilled to the bone. I turned the seat warmers on and everything in my truck. Anyone else would’ve been roasting, but I was still chilled. I drove over to the climbing gym and sat once I had parked, trying to absorb some more heat. I went inside and checked in. Hardly anyone was there when I arrived at 1500 hrs. Twenty minutes later, people started showing up.

Emily walked in the door and was her usual cheery self. I don’t know if I looked like death warmed over, but I sure felt like it. Em came over and talked to me. “We really miss you! I was talking to AJ the other day and he said, ‘Yeah, I haven’t seen Chris in forever!'” I told her I’d been wondering how he was doing. She assured me he’s doing fine. I told her I think of them all often. I’m just having a hard time getting over this thing. I was getting ready to go after only 25 minutes at the gym. Emily helped me get my jacket on. I gave her a hug and told her to let everybody know I’m still alive and I’m just having a hard time getting over this bug.

I walked out the door, defeated. I hadn’t managed to climb. I haven’t done any real climbing in a month. My anxiety is so incredible that it makes me want to crawl out of my own skin! I’m having an anxiety overload. I’m almost to the point of being numb. Yes, it’s that bad. My emotional system is shutting down to protect itself. Good ole’ PTSD. Depression, anxiety, shame, guilt, and trauma in one great big cocktail. I’m sitting at a coffee shop writing this because I’m trying not to go into the bunker. I’m trying to remain functional. Strawberry smoothies and banana bread aren’t in my diet, but I’m having some anyway. I’m writing a blog post to keep my brain working on something. I’m DOING something. Staying out of the bunker. Or trying to, at least… The coffee shop is getting rather busy. Crowds. I have trouble with crowds. I’ll have to leave soon. I’m counting on that coaching moment I hope my doctor got the message about this morning. This strawberry smoothie is sure good…

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