Yesterday was rough, but today will be better…

Yesterday was just a rough day climbing-wise.  As in, no climbing happened.  I went to the climbing gym and sat, looking at my topo and wanting to get my Otakis on, warm up, and send the route again so I could put the beta down on the topo, but the climbing part didn’t happen for various reasons.  I’m suffering through a major depressive episode connected to my PTSD, and I need climbing to help me keep my head above water.  Compression socks make it that much more difficult.  I can’t put them back on without the contraption and I have to drag an extra pair of my normal socks to the gym in my bag with me and put my stinky, damp compression socks in my bag to possibly put back on using the contraption after I get home from climbing.  It’s the straw that breaks the camel’s back in terms of extras that I have to deal with to get to the thing that I truly need to do – climb.  When you’re depressed, every little thing is a major task or project.  Every. Little.  Thing.

Another thing that a person doesn’t need to deal with when depressed is more negativity.  If someone comes up and starts talking to me about negative stuff, etc. when I’m depressed, it just makes me more depressed, sucks the last little bit of ego I have out of my being, and leaves me sitting there with my beginnings-of-a-topo map that desperately needs some tender loving care, much like I do!!!  If I wasn’t depressed, that would be the time to set some boundaries with people, but when you’re depressed, you can’t fight the battle like you would normally be able to.  You can’t even begin to get the strategy in place for the battle!  So no boundaries get set and no progress is made where it needs to be.  Instead, I sit there, not climbing, and looking idle, when in fact, I’m in dire need of someone to pull me up gently, help me get my shoes out of my pack, encourage me to put them on, and lead me to the wall where I can touch the holds and tap into some much-needed energy from somewhere deep within to begin doing what I love – climbing.  Climbing.  The best and most therapeutic thing in the world for me when I’m feeling depressed, overwhelmed, stressed, or otherwise out-of-balance.  I just do better when I climb!!!

I called my doctor and he called back for a coaching moment.  He’d been thinking about the compression sock barrier to my climbing and made some recommendations.  I’ll try those out today.  Today, I’m going to the climbing gym at noon sharp, right when they open, and I’m going to get my shoes on, warm up, and send that red V2 so that I can write some beta down on my topo map.  Period.  I don’t care who else is there or what they want.  I need to do this for me.  I have to put myself first, because nobody else is going to.  I’m not saying anybody should put me before themselves.  I’m just saying that I have needs and I’m going to take care of myself first, before anybody else, because I can’t take care of anybody else in any way unless I take care of myself and make myself the priority in my own life.  It has to be that way.  Today, I’m going to climb.

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