Discovered, not dictated

I’m afraid that some have assumed that I have little or no self-motivation.  This is simply not the case.  I have intense self-motivation and a pure fire that burns deep within me.  I’m very disciplined.  What may confuse people is the way I’m going about accomplishing my goals these days.  I’m working on building the person I want to be with my doctor’s help.  This person is being discovered, not dictated.  That’s a very important point for people to understand.  My boundaries are being discovered, and then set and/or moved.  My goals are being discovered and pursued.  Climbing has given this old and injured soul a new life.  Much work must be done, and I must do it.  Encouragement and support is welcomed, of course, but mandates and violations of boundaries cannot and must not be tolerated, lest the discovery process of this emerging person be disrupted.  I’m excited about this new life of mine!  I’m a very forgiving soul, but not a forgetful one.  My trust is hard-won by others and, once hurt, it will never be the same.  The PTSD interferes with my new process, and I fight constantly to overcome its influence in order to live this new life to the fullest – to be happy and experience as much joy as possible.  I appreciate the constructive feedback of others.  Who I “should” be, however, is not a topic I will discuss. I simply don’t know yet, and anyone who thinks they know who I should be is foolish at best.  What I do know is that I love climbing.  I absolutely love climbing!!!  I’m doing what I can as I am able to get in shape and get better at it.  I will be 37 years old in a little over a month, and I’m doing my best with the injuries, disorders, and conditions that I have.  Having been in the military, there’s some obvious damage and disorder to my health and well-being.  I have to accept the facts in this regard.  Others need to be mindful that they must accept these facts as well.  If they don’t, they are fighting against my best efforts (unintentionally, but it’s true).  That’s not to say that things can’t change.  Some things are going to take longer and be tougher than others, though.  I say these things just to make you aware that everybody has at least one battle they’re fighting in life, and your encouragement and support is much-needed and appreciated.  Just don’t make life harder for them than it already is!

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