Limitations and opportunities

Okay, so I’ve been presented with a supposed limitation or two.  Not being able to overcome the anxiety and not being able to cut back on my anxiolytic.  This is partly a physical response to having been on a substance for a long period of time (dependency), and having severe and chronic PTSD symptoms.  It is partly a mental limitation, too, though.  My mind is limited by thoughts that I might fail, that I can’t go without the meds, that I don’t have the fortitude and determination necessary to overcome the effects of not having that missing dose of medication, that some other bad thing is going to happen, that I don’t feel good…  There are many negative thoughts that limit my mind and that outweigh the effects (and thus expand upon the perceived physical effects of) the physical withdrawal of one-fourth of the daily dose of this medication.  It does become an opportunity, though, to test my willpower.  I always have that backup dose to go back to – I can always just take the full dose.  I can also stick it out five minutes at a time, reaffirming my decision to improve my coordination and climb better by reducing the dose, and then attempting to occupy my thoughts and energy with something productive that pushes those thoughts out of the way, like climbing or blogging about climbing and this whole process (at 0200 hrs in the morning).  Climbing will improve simply by virtue of doing it more to keep the negative thoughts at bay.  And you, my readers, will have plenty to read because my blog posts may multiply ten-fold as a result of my attempts to win the battle against dwelling on thoughts of feeling less-than-ideal (okay, just plain crappy) from reducing the med dosage.  Opportunities abound…if you view them that way.  It is a choice.  A decision.  I can do this, and I need to.  I have to ask myself which I want more – to be mentally comfortable or to be a better climber (which could make me mentally comfortable in itself).  I have to try.  I have to give this adjustment period its fair shot.  This is going to hurt, one step at a time, but it will put climbing as a distress tolerance skill to a definitive test.  I look forward to climbing either way.  So climb on!!!

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