I haven’t climbed all week…

Today was a hard day mentally.  I realized that I haven’t climbed all week long.  I just haven’t felt like it – I haven’t felt energized or enthusiastic about it.  Part of it could be the heat.  It’s been near or above 100 degrees all week.  Another part could be recovering from all that happened over the 4th of July holiday.  Part of it, though, indicates that there’s something wrong.  I talked to my doctor today about some of the medication I’m on and asked him if it can cause problems with coordination.  He said it certainly could.  I’m afraid to mess with my meds because we’ve got them dialed just right, but I also want to climb better, which makes me happy.  No mental health, though, equals no climbing.  So if we mess up the meds, we mess up my whole life, climbing included.  We discussed it, though, and I’m going to try to lower the dose very slightly over a long period of time.  I’m scared.  I want to believe that I can do this, but there’s the possibility that I can’t.  I’m in a position where I have to choose my mental health over my climbing ability because one makes the other possible.  There are the willpower and change variables of the human psyche, though.  Amazing things can happen with enough determination, courage, and perseverance.  It’s a matter of seeing how far I can bend before I break (and hopefully I don’t break!), it seems.  My doctor is on board with the idea, though, and we’ll be monitoring it and dealing with it together, so I’m not terribly worried.  I just hope it is possible, and that it works out!  It will mean having to ban self-doubt from my thoughts and reminding myself that this is a choice, that I am making this choice, and that I am following through with this choice to the best of my ability.  It could end up being a total flop.  I may need to be on the full dose of medication that I’m trying to cut back on.  If that ends up being the case, then I’ll live with it.  Climbing makes me happy, and if the meds have to remain what they are now in order to make climbing possible, then so be it.  At least I will be able to climb!!!

On another note, my doctor noted that I was in the bunker and asked me what I should do about being in the bunker.  I should go climbing – that was my reply.  He agreed.  I didn’t end up going climbing because I got a message that we are taking another person along to Red Lodge to climb tomorrow, so I cleaned and rearranged my gear in my truck instead.  The point, however, was, “When you don’t feel like doing it is when you need to do it the most.”  I got out of the bunker.  Mission accomplished.

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